I have decided to publicly take down the mask that I have been wearing. Although I have known for some time now, I guess I feel that it is time to stop hiding it...
I am dealing with infertility.
Today is the one year anniversary of me driving down to Louisiana to pick up my husband from the airport. He had been in Kuwait, Iraq, and Germany for most of the first year and a half of our relationship and we were so ready to be together and begin our family--after all, being a mother has always been my biggest goal in life.
Well, after a couple of months of trying I started wondering why we weren't pregnant yet, but just figured that we had not timed it right. So, I started charting and keeping up with all of the "fun" stuff that you are supposed to keep track of when trying to conceive.
After several more months of negative results, I talked with my doctor and she suggested we go ahead and start some tests to see what was going on. I was pricked and prodded more than I ever want to be in my life. All of a sudden I had what seemed like a million appointments for lab work and tests and honestly, I felt so alone. I almost always have at least one ovarian cyst (which can get very uncomfortable). And evidently I do not ovulate.
A couple of days before Matthew and I moved back to Alabama, I got a call from my OB/GYN. She told me that she was referring me to an Infertility Specialist--how wonderful! My whole life is packed into boxes, and if you have ever moved you know that it is pretty stressful.. news like this is not what we need right now! So I tried to act like it was nothing and put on my big girl panties. Maybe if I didn't talk about it and didn't tell anyone it wouldn't be true, right? Wrong.
I've pushed it down and tried to believe it isn't true. But it is.. This is how God has planned my life right now. I have to embrace it and try my best to be understanding. Seeing so many people around me who are pregnant or with their children can be hard sometimes, because I want what they have more than anything in the world. I love other people's children, I always have. But I would really LOVE to have at least one of my own.
We have some big decisions to make as to what the next steps to take will be, so I ask that you pray for us and pray that God will give me a peace of mind in what to do so that His will will be done and so that hopefully my dream will come true. I try to stay positive, but I still have some pretty hard days, and I'm sure they will get worse as time goes on, but I know I have a great group of friends and family that are there for me through it all.
These two quotes/verses are my daily reminders to trust in Him.
<3 Emily